Tuesday, 27 July 2010

The future is bright, the future is apple taking over the worrrrrrld.

I'm looking forward to the future, i'm looking forward to the people i will meet, the place that i will see, the situations i will find myself in. I can't help but become overwhelmed and excited about it.

Things haven't turned out as i planned for this summer, but this is not something to get hung up about, it's something to learn from; don't spend another summer in leeds.

There are places that i want to take myself and sometimes i worry that i won't achieve these things, but the more we shy away from these things in fear of rejection or failure the further away we're gonna put ourselves from having a piece of everything we want. Who says you can't have your cake and eat it?

I intend to take my cake and smear allover the place.

Bottom line being is; you make it what you make it. &even though i'm not 100% sure about making this course fit what i want to explore, i'm paying a chuffin' massive amount of cash money monies &so, socks up please. Squeezy Squeezey.

Friday, 23 July 2010

i know it's wrong. but i don't know how to stop it. and quite frankly. i don't think i want to. i want it to happen. it will happen.

Friday, 16 July 2010

shoot me, in the face please. (dont actually do it - im scared of dying)

i'm such an idiot. i don't know what is actually wrong with me, but there's something not right. i fill up my time with meaningless shit, and surround myself with things that will only make me feel worse in the end, but for some reason i believe that the temporary happiness that all these things bring will outweigh the heartache at the end of it all.

secondly, i cannot be on my own. even when i'm on my own, im not on my own, i text or call, or sit on stupid fucking facebook.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i have realised now that the situation that i put myself in, is no good for me, and it's certainly not healthy. for the last 5 years i've surrounded myself with the most wonderful people; alice, dave, tom amd ben. amongst others. but for years, we've been a solid little group, a safe place. one massive big security blanket.

&now. thats all changed. i know that this is for the better and that things do have to progress and move forward, things have to be left behind, whether that be people, or routines, or lifestyles, anything. so if i understand it, why can't i just deal with it?

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

big moan. :)!

Modern times

interestingly enough there's a mobile phone advert before this video is played. oh the irony.

i'm scared of the fact that maintaining a job, to enjoy life, can often be the very same thing that turns you into a nervous wreck and ruins everything that you're trying to build.
i'm scared of staying here, not seeing the world, albeit it's in a bit of a bogeyed state, but there is so so so much to be seen, and so many people to be met. imagine only ever meeting people from the town/village that you've grown up in your entire lives.
don't get me wrong, a sense of community is a wonderful thing, but to go to the same BBQs every summer, to see aunty jackie and uncle steve, to pass round this years holiday photos from Benidorm?! i just don't understand it.

people don't seem to want anything anymore, maybe they never did? maybe it's because i notice the people that i already feel like i'm leaving behind, people that i always imagined i would progress with. i don't want to be left behind. but i don't want to leave people behind. catch 22 or what lads?

i've possibly made a bad decision by choosing to study for my degree in Leeds, the course itself is awesome, there's some wonderful people, and the college has amazing facilities. but i enjoy meeting people, and i feel like there's just a caliber of people in leeds, they all go to the same bars, or they all hang out with the same friends, they all sleep with each other then get really angry and upset about it. squish fucking squish. when will these people wake up and smell reality? realise that noone cares about their boring stories about who said who's a bitch?! mindless boring freaks. these are the people that go to benidorm every year. the most depressing thing is, these people are so close.

Monday, 12 July 2010


I enjoy baking and it's a shame that not everyone does it. the lifestyle we lead has cost us so many traditions, knitting, baking, home-cooking. everything has turned into a world wind of timescales and deadlines. everybody needs everything right this very second. and it's not even that we don't have the time to do these things, but they're so far down on people's priority list that it's best to just take it to the dry-cleaners, or fill ourselves with manufactured flavours and put our money in the pocket of mr. kippo &his badselfs wife.

I'm not overly angry at this issue, and i understand that even if i was, there would be nothing i could do to change it.

anyway, dave has left for Morocco (infact, he left last tuesday) so on the monday before he left, alice and i baked ourselves stupid and filled the kitchen with cakes! &buns! &m&ms!

Lovely day <3!

Monday, 5 July 2010

times are changing.

The past 4 or 5 years have been, well, interesting to say the least. I've found a good group of like minded, open minded, enthusiastic and ambitious wonderful people. Over the years people have come and gone, but there's been a core of us, a big security blanket, and though sometimes the dynamics of the friendship are unhealthy, it has been one of the safest places i have found myself.

This is the end of an era.

Dave has a one-way ticket to Morocco, Alice is going to Glasgow for her degree, I have successfully managed to achieve the 1st year of my degree and things just feel right.

Sometimes I find myself hung-up on the past, no regrets, but a longing to be back there, to be care-free and have the world around me lightly coated in icing sugar. However, if the past 5 years have taught me anything, it's to look forward, explore, and throw yourself into any available situation! I'm scared of not living my life, the thought of surrounding myself with English people and English culture (current; tv, radio, "messy" nights, and takeaways) my entire life is daunting. Meaningless relationships with people you have nothing in common with and endless hours of X-factor.


What is consciousness?

Try to stop thinking for 30 seconds.
You cannot do it can you?
Go ahead, try again.
Can you calm the incessant chatter of your busy, busy mind?
If you can, then you're ready to start a new adventure. You're ready to begin.

Saturday, 3 July 2010


a circuit board is possibly one of the only ways i can begin to comprehend the complexity of my own brain, the vast amounts of components, that carry an insane amount of signals.
&obviously, a circuit board comes nowhere near to the complexity of the brain.